This time last year....

........I got a new phone contract……and a therapist.

12 months on, somewhere close to 4000 minutes of ‘talk time’, a considerable volume of data used to send emails and occasional texts - I’m definitely on a premium plan.

And no this isn’t for the phone.

In the last year I’ve had over 80 therapy appointments (according to my crude calculations) and countless email contacts outside of the therapy room. That’s a lot of therapy, a big investment of my time (and, as ugly as it is to mention, a fair wedge of money) and significant chunk of my therapist’s year too.

And now, with my business evaluation head on I’ve come to the annual review!

What has the last year achieved and can I measure the return on investment?

Of course, if this had been one of my marketing campaigns I’d have set out with clear objectives and measurable outcomes. I’d have made a protracted evaluation and comparison of services before committing time and funds. I would certainly been clear about my goals.

So, the whole beginning of this ‘journey’ (that’s the last you’ll hear of that dreadfully overused word from me) was entirely out of character. But then again, I suppose when you feel actively suicidal it’s fair enough to be uncharacteristically led by emotions.

One evening in early March 2018 I sat in a B&B whilst away on business and stared at the beams in the ceiling debating how I’d create the noose. It was a moment of clarity where all the thoughts that had milled in my head for years crystallised into a solid plan to end my life. It also served as a lightbulb moment, just enough will left to live and to realise that I needed to do something. So, a bottle of wine later, I made a life changing decision and started the google hunt for a therapist. I found the BACP site and filtered on crude, hastily decided criteria:

• Not too far away but not on my doorstep – close enough to mean I wouldn’t lose lots of time on travel but far enough away that I wouldn’t get spotted and wouldn’t bump into them in the supermarket or realise they were a fellow parent from school.

• A man – a longer story but I knew enough about myself and what had brought me to this point to realise that I could only fix this if I could process it with the help of an emotionally intelligent man.

• Not the cheapest but not the most expensive – crazily I had anticipated I would have 12 sessions so had figured out how I would fund up to a value without having to inform my nearest and dearest that I needed funds.

I filled in the contact form on the website, closed my eyes and opened bottle 2.

A few days later I managed to hold my bottle (this time the figurative one) just long enough to make it into the room and start the hardest conversation of my life (dramatic pause).

Over the course of the subsequent 4000 or so minutes we’ve covered a lot of ground, a vast array of difficult topics and an equally impressive variety of emotions. So, what have I learnt in this year?

• Being vulnerable or appearing weak scares the hell out of me

• That trusting someone new is hard, really really hard

• The beginning is difficult, so is the next bit, but thinking about the end is terrifying

• Therapy itself can send you all sorts of crazy. Seriously, dealing with the feelings that come out of it have made me behave in ways that go beyond cringeworthy!

But metrics, yes? Measures of success, outcomes?!

Well it’s like this, I’m still here. And, whilst I appreciate that sounds impressively dramatic, 12 or so months ago I had other plans.

Further to that I’ve discovered that being vulnerable is not a crime, that letting my guard down is a possibility and that there is always hope.

Most importantly though I’ve found an ally. Someone who gets me, who can withstand the behaviours that I play out and will weather the storm with me.

It’s become a lot more than a 12-week contract and, unlike the phone there is no end date set, no plans to upgrade the handset or change provider.

It’s probably been the most testing year of my life - and this coming from someone who has suffered serious loss, raised a child and started a business – but the I know it’s a challenge I can scale, and that I no longer have to do so alone.