It's in the contract

“It’s in the contract”

Funnily enough a term I threw back at someone today in my professional world. Because contracts are important and must be adhered to. Both parties agree at the outset to stick to the terms when they sign up. And, as a law abiding citizen and business person a point I’d always argue.

So I’m already on the back foot here because I’m going to raise my grievance with an existing contract terms.

It's in the contract

Therapy contracts, yup! They are also very important. Crucial we all know where we stand. Absolutely. But, like any contract I think, under scrutiny you might find cause to seek review of some clauses.

And here is my appeal....

Not too long ago I realised that I faced the very real possibility of an encounter with my therapist in the 'real world' as our sprogletts began to inhabit a shared interest. I knew we’d need to talk about how we would tackle a weirdly out of therapeutic context interaction.

I shared my realisation by email first and we talked about it when I saw my therapist next. And it was a short, one sided discussion as it turns out. Because, well, it’s in the contract! We are to ignore each other. Yup, one of the most important relationships in my life today, a significant reparative relationship with a person I care about, a person who I’ve finally a accepted cares about me, who’s helping me deal with a fear of abandonment and the legacy of confusing attachments from the past must simply be ignored if we end up next to each other in a queue for gravyesque coffee at a shared childerbeast related function.

And there wasn’t much I could say to his response because it is 'in the contract'. But I’m challenging this, very usual, clause in counselling agreements. And here’s why.

I have professional relationships, lots of them. Yet, if I meet a client in an out of context way I could not ignore them. As much as they may wish to pretend that they write all their own content we’d deal with the awkwardness of admitting I sometime masquerade as them on LinkedIn and have even written a blog that they have claimed pen rights on! I might wish I didn’t have to introduce my husband to a tedious bore client who pays our bills but I would!

So, when my therapist said he would go for ignoring me because his wife is nosey makes me wonder. Does she think he works in Tesco?! Because, as much as a liability I believe my husband to be, I am pretty confident that, should I introduce him to a client he wouldn’t say “ bloody hell are you that guy she says is out of his depth, the one she spends her time digging out of holes with your boss?”. Because people manage these sometimes awkward interactions. I reckon we’d get away without any kind of 'crazy lady alert” warnings over the tannoy.

And I know I’m being unfair because our professional world’s are very different but, in the same breath, what makes a therapist different? It’s another of my ponderings about the shroud of therapy. Why, when 2 people sit in a room and one of them dares vulnerability, everyone feels uncomfortable to the extent that we have to pretend it isn’t happening? Why are therapists excused from dealing with the world?! Maybe it should be the choice of the patient but why is it assumed that this is a relationship that should be ignored and denied in public? If I had cancer I guess I could ask my oncologist not to acknowledge me in public in case I was disguising an illness. My GP friend would, whilst not discussing someone’s haemorrhoids at the checkout, certainly not blank a patient if they were to say hello and pass the time of day.

What comes to my mind (always a fun filled palace of wild adventure and joy) is the question of what other professions such a rule would apply to, what other walks of life would require an overt omission of existence? I’ve got 2; drug dealer and prostitute. I'll just leave that there.

I’m not cross with my therapist because a) he’s a bit of a legend and b) I signed the bloody contract. I’m cross with myself for letting myself creep the boundaries, forgetting the small print, thinking the rules didn’t apply to me and for feeling so battered by this exchange. But, when you’re someone that fundamentally believes you’re too much, are unlovable to anyone who really sees you, and believes your physical presence is repulsive it’s a hard pill to swallow when the person who has been calling you bullshit on all of that wouldn’t say hi if they passed you on the street.